The Great Nose Of Knowing

This is a very silly, dialogue-centric story.  You have been warned.

Once upon a time there was a fine young fellow named Joseph Jeremiah Jickinson Jagger. Joe, being a fine young fellow, enjoyed the finer things in life: painting, cheese, and running around in his underwear singing Country-western tunes.


One day, the aliens came.




The alien that visited Joe was green and slimy (so, rather like your average insurance salesman).

“Joseph Jeremiah Jickinson Jagger?” the alien that had appeared at Joe's front door asked.  Its voice was surprisingly husky, it sounded like it had been gargling thumbtacks

“Who's askin'?” Joe said. (The fuzz had given him some heat about his attempt to get everyone who worked at the morgue to spontaneously sing Taylor Swift's entire catalog.)

“My true name cannot be comprehended by your puny gray cabbage,” the alien said in a way that managed to sound both condescending and extremely earnest.

“My whuh?” Joe said.

“But!” the alien said, ignoring Joe's grunt of confusion. “You may call me Leroy.”

“Leroy?” Joe said and scratched his armpit.

“Leroy.”

“So, uh, what's your real name?”

“Didn't you just hear me?” the alien frustrated. S/he/it glared at Joe's blank face. “I suppose there's nothing to blow in his case.” S/he/it took a deep breath. “My true name, human, is Leroyq.

“Leroy?”

“No, fool, Leroyq. You have to pronounce the silent 'Q'.”

“Leroyq.”

“No, no, no! Didn't I just tell you it was silent?!” The alien was growing more and more exasperated and sparks were shooting from its bumpy flesh.

“Leroy.”

“No! You still have to pronounce it and... Look, never mind. I told you you couldn't comprehend it.”

“So, uh, what do you want, Mr. Leroyq?”

“Your planet is in grave danger from a force beyond your ken.”

“My what?”

“Ken. Knowledge.” Joe continued to stare blankly at Leroy. “Intelligence? Fact...? No? Nothing?” Joe stared blankly at Leroy (again, he was good at it and liked to show it off). “Again, never mind,” Leroy said. “Your planet's in danger.”

“From what?” Joe said.

“The Great Nose Of Knowing.”

“Come again?”

 Leroy's voice inflection changed and it seemed to go into its story-telling mode. Its eyes glazed over as it talked. “Long, long, long, long ago, The Great Nose Of Knowing sneezed and brought the world forth into being. Everything, you, me, and duck-billed platypi, are formed from this Wonderful Snot. However, it is told that one day the nose will return and clean up its mess. We refer to this cataclysmic catastrophe as The Great Wiping and it is beginning now.”

“What? That's horrible! What can I do?” Joe felt a feeling he had never felt before. The closest he had gotten was when he had eaten a week-old burrito. What was it? Joe searched for the word... Oh yes, care, empathy. Joe realized that he actually wanted to save his fellow human beings.

“Oh, nothing,” Leroy said, “I just thought you might like to know.”

“Excuse me?” Joe heard a rumbling and looked up. High up in the sky, a gigantic white object was rushing towards them.

“The Tissue of Cleansing comes! Let us pray for a good future in The Cosmic Wastebasket.”

 “Wait, but I don't want the universe to be destroyed!” Joe whined.


And then the universe was destroyed.


The Great Nose Of Knowing sniffled again as it dropped The Tissue Of Cleansing into The Cosmic Wastebasket. Maybe it was coming down with something. The Great Nose Of Knowing resolved to go see the doctor tomorrow.